Faith grows in the dark

"Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict." --Oswald Chambers

When I can't see, I must walk in FAITH. In Hebrews it says, "Without faith it is impossbile to please God." This is too important. I am saying to God right now by His grace, "Not my will but your be done." This is not easy, but I want Him more than I want an easy life with simple satisfaction and meaningless bliss.

Untitled...the only appropriate definition of me

I can't see anything but darkenss around me. There is little I can say with confidence. His arm has come down upon me and His hand has ripped from me every single thing that would potentially bring security to me. He has wounded me. I am limping, teetering between hopelessness and hope. So I wait. And I try to listen. I attempt to fight lies that feel more powerful than me. I fear that my definition of myself will be determined by circumstances and people who cannot handle my heart of flesh. And in the midst of it all...fear, intense anxiety, twisted thinking, deep sin, feelings of being abandoned...I see a piece of paper in the bottom of a bag I have emptied out:

"I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you." John 14:18

How is it that God came make you so mad and in the next minute be your full satisfaction? To those of you who know me and are around me...I am sorry for not knowing who I am, for not turning to the Lord but instead turning to the craving of a pain-free life and demanding that you all be a part of making it right. Heaven is not here...I am realizing this more and more and I will look with more anticipation for its coming.

Dusty.

One of my favorite verses is from Psalm 103, it says..."he remembers that we are dust." I am glad to know that. Do you have days like that, where you feel like there is not much to you but the dust of the earth? And even in that--it's hard to believe He formed mankind from such material as dust. But it is true...And in reality, it is pretty humbling. (which is always a good thing!) I am about to embark on a new job...teaching Bible and counseling high school kids at a private high school. The truth is, I feel inadequate and overwhelmed with the prospect of a new position to create...to meet expectations I may not even be aware of--as I am a people pleaser and perfectionist. But this is my reminder...I came from dust...and HE FORMED ME. He brought water from a rock and bread from heaven, He created my inmost being and formed me in my mother's womb, He makes crooked paths straight, He can makes rock sing, donkey's talk...and most amazing of all: He is a King, but was born as a lowly baby in a barn! He is all about interrupting the ordinary with the extraordinary. He does not need me to be well versed, well trained, well groomed or highly talented...He used mud to make a blind man see. This is what I love about the Lord and this is what brings hope to my fearful state...He is a God of redemption and He is about bring beauty from ashes. So..in my weak state, in my fear and in my inadequacies and imperfections, He swoops down and pours forth His strength and character, His insights and wisdom into my heart and mind...

so dust I came from, but what I will be...that will be cause to rejoice and celebrate!