I asked the Lord the other day, "Why do you keep taking me back? Why would you want me again?" His answer is hard to believe, "Because I want to. I always want you back." He has taken me back for 35 years! I have a friend who has the impossible task of forgiveness ahead of her. I fall down on my knees and wonder if she could ever forgive me for all I have broken. I would say the same thing to her..."Why would you ever take me back? Why would you even want to?"
It feels as though I have left a wake behind me and the pit I have fallen into has gripped me and I have given into its hold. I have allowed such sin to enter me like a small parasite, and I have fed it. It is subtle and dangerous, it is powerful and yet quiet.
I read a portion of Henri Nouwen's book, Turn My Mounring into Dancing, and was impacted on such a deep level. He says that we look to others to have immortal powers. We turn to others to bear the weight of all of our expectations. I do that as often as I breathe. There are moments when I am weak enough, broken enough or humble enough to put it in its right place---on the God of the entire universe! Nouwen says we make life be all about life here and that in that, we look to others to give us security, peace, or even self-definition. I became overwhelmed by the content, being so clearly connected with who I am...and then the thought crossed my mind: "If he wrote this book, that means he deals with it...and that means others also deal with this." I am not alone in putting someone, something on the throne every moment of every day.
Do I really think it will work this time? Do I really believe that it is ok, not that big of a deal? The thing that amazes me, is that as a Christian culture we get so worked up about homosexuality. We have no tolerance for people who struggle with this sin...and yet when we read in Corinthinas about how wrong it is...we neglect to look at the list ...and idolatry is one of the first mentioned. It apprears to me to be one that He speaks of more than any other sin...I guess I can say with Paul, "I am the chief of sinners!"
