Here are some words that I have had running through my head...a song by Jill Phillips, really simple and yet like a balm to my heart that is in desperate need of healing, repair and hope.
"When you're so ashamed that you could die, God believes in you.
When you can't do right even though you try, God believes in you.
Yeah, blessed are the ones who grieve,
The ones who mourn,
and the one who bleed, in sorrow you hope,
but in joy you will reap...
God believes in you."
Does this feel fundamentally difficult for anyone else to believe besides me? I was wondering, on a really basic level, how God has been motivated to stick by me. But His Word teaches all over the place that He is motivated and that He even "delights to show mercy." These days have shown me to be a murderer, an adulterer, a liar, a thief, a prostitute, an addict...the "chief of sinners," as Paul put it. And I always wondered how it was truly possible to believe that about yourself. I know it intellectually and according to theological principle. I know it is true because I believe scripture is true. But I have never really looked at myself and considered that I would fit that category. But today, now, in June of 2008, I have hit a place where I see myself as the worst of sinners--and I do not exaggerate and I do not say it with pride to claim what Paul himself said...God has opened a door for me to see the black cavern of my soul and the potential for the worst of choices and the deep selfishness that runs through my veins...and I know I am in fact, the worst, the chief of all the sinners I know.
So...is it possible for Jesus to love me really? Is it true that He can cover what is at the root of my heart and what comes out with each breath? Can He really believe in someone like me?
I read in Ezekiel that God brought to life "Dry, Dead Bones." Lifeless. Hopeless. Disconnected. I have read this passage a number of times over the last few weeks. And interestingly, as I opened My Utmost for his Highest the verse was this very verse...the Lord is trying to tell me something about how He handles death. Here are a few lines from the reading:
"Can that sinner be turned into a saint? Can that twisted life be put right? ...'Behold O' people, I will open your graves.' When God wants to show you what human nature is apart from yourself, He has to show it in you first. If the Spirit of God has given you a vision of what you are apart from the grace of God (and He only does it when the Spirit is at work), you know there is no criminal who is half so bad in actuality as you know yourself to be in possibility"
Ezekiel says the people of Israel are saying that "all hope is gone." And God responds, as He always does, "I will open you graves of exile and cause you to rise again...when this happens you will know that I am the Lord your God." And even as the song by Jill Phillips echoes the words from Matthew 5..."Blessed are those who mourn, blessed are those who grieve..." what does it mean to be blessed and to believe with confidence that there is more to come, even when it does not feel like it? This is faith...believing what you cannot see.
Sinners becoming saints...dry bones being brought to life...desert places flowing with new streams of water...rough places smooth....
I guess I fit into the first half of the equation...so I'll hold on to hope that one day I will see the conclusion.
