There is a deep well in me, a place that I often fear will not fill up. I keep running to broken jars that can’t hold the water I’m so thirsty for. Let me drink from You, like the woman at the well who went in circles to find a morsel of comfort and finally found You who would be her freedom, hope and security. My first movement is to repent, to say, “I am deeply sorry that over and over and over again I seek life outside of You and the promises You have made to be my companion, joy and satisfaction.” As the years have gone on I realize that this is a daily, moment by moment unfolding. It is in time that I fill up; it is not immediate but rather a daily process of trust and obedience. I have found that each time I test You out with obedience I find my faith increases and I am more calm and content. That is consistent. I gain the perspective, peace and understanding that You are FOR me, aware of me, and moving my life in a direction of purpose. Learning that there is a huge plan and such engaging mystery to keep me hooked to You for on and on. I get to be part of the big narrative of redemption instead of the small tale of self-absorption.
My mess becomes more obvious as I first confess that I have denied You; I have rejected the very food You offer and then get angry that I am wandering around hungry. I confess that I have looked You in the face and told You boldly that You are not enough and yet somehow think that broken things will be able to bolster me up. In so many ways, as I stop and reflect, it is like a certain level of insanity. It’s as if I am building my house out of paper cards, hoping it can withstand the guaranteed storms of life. When I pull back and look at the bigger picture, I can see how crazy it is; but while I wander, I keep thinking it is rational to drink from dirty water in a cracked container. Without much thought, I drink from this tainted source and always get sick. What’s most crazy, I go back to drink two seconds after I throw up.
So You call me to come...to You...the Living water, so that I will not have to drink from this unsatisfying well anymore. The key is for me to be reminded of who You are. “Truth sets you free” is what You say. So I will retrieve truth:
You know my steps, You have a particular plan unfolding that will be useful and meaningful as I follow You. When I attach to these idols, I become small and useless. When I attach to You, I am less selfish, less anxious, more willing to sacrifice, less afraid, more passionate, less demanding, more free, more surrendered, less chaotic. When I reflect on the fact that You are committed to me, I do not fall into perfectionism because You do what I cannot. When I realize that You are never-ending in Your forgiveness, like the power and rush of the Niagara Falls, and it just keeps swelling over me, it just keeps cleansing me, it is a surplus of ongoing, non-stop “I have paid, I have let it go, it no longer owns you,” I can rest. I don’t have to pay for it. I don’t have to get You to come back. I don’t have to beg You to still love me because it is actually Your delight to show me mercy...this is calming. This is what reminds me that You are enough.
Your Word says You are “slow to anger and abounding in love.” In the parables it’s clear that You keep chasing after the one who is sick. You lift the head of the one who feels so condemned, lost and trapped in a cycle of idolatry, and You look me in the eye and say, “I will stick around, and I will be strong FOR you and I will dust you off, pay your dues and bring you home. Do not fear and do not be despaired, I will fight for you when you have no fight left.” This is the voice I hear. I have never heard anyone else say this to me. I have never had anyone promise such things. I have never had anyone come near me, and literally sit with me in the cesspool of my crap. You do this and You say You actually want to. This is motivating to me. At the end of the day I want all that I love to always be second and third and fourth to You. When You sit in the front, all else takes their rightful places. If I drink from the source that is able to handle me, I release others from demands they are unable to fulfill. It’s why I love when the author of Hebrews says, “So fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith...”
No one else can do that.
