Sorry I laughed.

God caught Sarah laughing. She didn’t believe Him when He said she would be having a baby. She was 90, or 100, or 400 years old…her body simply did not have the capacity anymore to bear children. I don’t think she laughed because she thought it was all that funny when God told her the news. She laughed a cynical laugh. It was a smirk with an edge to it. God told Abraham that his line would produce a nation…as many individuals as the stars numbered in the sky. But there was a problem. A very clear barrier to the goal: his wife was barren. Here were years stacked upon more years, and I wonder if they even forgot about it. The truth is, I forget God’s promises all the time—and even if Abraham heard it from the sky, or a voice booming from behind, some supernatural communication…he still didn’t really believe it. I read the pages of truth each day and am left still wondering if He has my back, if He will provide again, if He will listen this time too…every day I wake up with another load of doubt and a heart laced with fear.

Sarah laughed and so would I. I admit, I crawl into the corners of my world and snatch moments where I belt out my news to God. I tell Him the cool things that happen and I figuratively shake Him in my mind to try to get His attention over the things I am so hurt by, anxious about or stuck in. I need His help, I want His attention and I doubt Him just like Sarah.

But every once in awhile…without any way to predict or con or manipulate God…Something breaks open and pours out all over my day. Something like hope. Something that tastes just like faithfulness and loyalty and follow-through. Every day, every hour, every minute God is blanketing me with His provisions, care and mercy….but every once in awhile I actually see it, taste it, feel it next to me and breath it in like the purest and most life-giving breath. Keeping His word. It matters so much in the end and somehow I still manage to think He won’t. Just like Sarah, just like Abraham, just like Job, just like David, just like Moses, just like Noah, just like Peter, just like Judas…just like me....