Tim is here!

After my little brother's experience in the Philadelphia airport...and his arrival in the South, we discussed the differences in the people. Granted, the South has it's annoying traits...like being fake, or being self-righteous, or going to church because it is cultural instead of because it is so good to hear the Word preached so that it can take root and change lives....but Tim has found people to be simply kind on a basic level. So I quote one of his comments:

"If people from the North could go an entire day without speaking to anyone, they totally would."

The truth is, when I go to PA for Christmas...there is a part of me that likes the rough, raw atmosphere. It is good to be around at times...and even if our Eagles fans throw batteries, well it's nice to see such passion!

Brother Lawrence has such wisdom....

I have always loved The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. If you have not read it, read it!! It will remind you of all that really matters. He speaks to this idea of being in God's presence all day long, no matter what your task, your circumstance, or mood. To find solace in His presence, to talk with Him throughout each day...to think of Him and recall His faithful acts on our behalf. I want to share one quote here on this blog for anyone who reads...and quite frankly for my own soul to hear once again:

I think that freeing yourself of your present responsibilities for a while and devoting yourself entirely to prayer would be the best thing you could do for yourself. God does not ask much of us. But remembering Him, praising Him, asking for His grace, offering Him your troubles, or thanking Him for what He has given you will console you all the time.

Now as far as setting aside all responsibilities, I am not sure what that looks like or how to do that and still be responsible and care for our jobs and our families...but I get the point: be in communion with Him all the time. So here is a final thought: We must be near to Him, around Him, knowing Him in order to truly connect with Him. Lawrence goes on to say:

We have to know someone before we can truly love them. In order to know God, we must
think about Him often. And once we get to know Him, we will think about Him even more
often, because where our treasure is, there also is our heart!

So today my challenge to myself and to you is...be in His amazing presence, know His healing and His favor, His kindness and His peace, know His grace and constant mercy...recall His faithful deeds and soak in His gaze. Remember His character, and count on His track record...this is the realm of reality, this is where we are meant to live, this is our true home....for here on earth we are just strangers.

How about this line....

"My soul is weary and my cup is dry. I am so in need of you...So Lord come down to me, till my heart can sing...." ---Caedmon's Call "Rest Upon Us"

The Lord has brought me, in this weary place, to a point where I can sing. He has put words in my throat and I, with cracked voice, can muster out a few small praises. He is worth my full attention and constant affection. I cannot imagine life without Jesus.

Forgiveness

I asked the Lord the other day, "Why do you keep taking me back? Why would you want me again?" His answer is hard to believe, "Because I want to. I always want you back." He has taken me back for 35 years! I have a friend who has the impossible task of forgiveness ahead of her. I fall down on my knees and wonder if she could ever forgive me for all I have broken. I would say the same thing to her..."Why would you ever take me back? Why would you even want to?"

It feels as though I have left a wake behind me and the pit I have fallen into has gripped me and I have given into its hold. I have allowed such sin to enter me like a small parasite, and I have fed it. It is subtle and dangerous, it is powerful and yet quiet.

I read a portion of Henri Nouwen's book, Turn My Mounring into Dancing, and was impacted on such a deep level. He says that we look to others to have immortal powers. We turn to others to bear the weight of all of our expectations. I do that as often as I breathe. There are moments when I am weak enough, broken enough or humble enough to put it in its right place---on the God of the entire universe! Nouwen says we make life be all about life here and that in that, we look to others to give us security, peace, or even self-definition. I became overwhelmed by the content, being so clearly connected with who I am...and then the thought crossed my mind: "If he wrote this book, that means he deals with it...and that means others also deal with this." I am not alone in putting someone, something on the throne every moment of every day.

Do I really think it will work this time? Do I really believe that it is ok, not that big of a deal? The thing that amazes me, is that as a Christian culture we get so worked up about homosexuality. We have no tolerance for people who struggle with this sin...and yet when we read in Corinthinas about how wrong it is...we neglect to look at the list ...and idolatry is one of the first mentioned. It apprears to me to be one that He speaks of more than any other sin...I guess I can say with Paul, "I am the chief of sinners!"

Comfort for the weary.

A friend of mine, who has been reminding me of who I live for and what my ultimate purpose is, wrote me an email today with this quote...

Question 1. What is thy only comfort in life and death?

Answer: That I with body and soul, both in life and death, (a) am not my own, (b) but belong unto my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ; (c) who, with his precious blood, has fully satisfied for all my sins, (d) and delivered me from all the power of the devil; (e) and so preserves me (f) that without the will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; (g) yea, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, (h) and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life, (i) and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him.
----(Heidelberg Catechism)

This is my prayer...this is why I was given breath today.

The stirring works...

"And I didn't understand why as usual God couldn't give me a loud or obvious answer, through a megaphone, or thunder, skywriting or stigmata. Why does God always use dreams, intuition, memory, phone calls, vague stirrings in my heart? I would say that this really doesn't work for me at all. Except that it does."
----Anne Lamott

God has spoken more to me in the past few weeks than He has in over a decade of my life. I wake up and listen, and still myself at moments throughout the day to listen again. And He speaks. Just like He spoke the entire world into existence, He still speaks. Sometimes I want it loud and obvious. In a way I think it will "work" better on me. But the truth is...when I take a walk and turn off all noise from the day, I hear the still, small voice and it sends me to my knees. In essence, it really works. He won't compete with the noise of life, the flash of culture and the bang of wealth...He simply stirs. And it works.

If you look carefully, you can see a bud...

"Flowers grow out of dark moments." ---Anita Corita Kent

This is showing itself to be true in my life. I'm sure in one fashion or another you can relate. I have been living in what feels like a cave of seclusion and darkness. I have wondered who I am, and who God is. I have asked questions that have softened my heart and solidified my faith. My knees hurt, my mind is vulnerable, my spirit is held up by the hand of God...but today one of my students said to me, "Miss Poulterer, did you have a lot of coffee this morning? You seem really hyper or happy, or something...." And my response to him was, "I feel the presence of the Lord today, and for what seems like a moment, He has lifted this cloud." Now the truth is, it comes back here and there. And my heart still feels fragile. But a moment can go a long way for a weary pilgrim. My position at the school was affirmed today, I see purpose beyond what I could create. I look into the eyes of these kids and see a desire for God and stand amazed that He would even give me a platform to share with them the faithfulness of God...the love He has for sinners like me, and the grace that falls in surplus upon them each new day. This was what I was made for, these other things that too often dominate...Self-satisfaction, security, mere personal pleasure and approval...they are what I have settled for.

Today, I saw a flower peek out.

(Thank you Lord...You are all I have, and all I really want.)

Home is where?

"God makes a home for the lonely." Psalm 68:6 (NAS)

Home for me is in a 1,000 different places. I live with a family, I stay with random friends, and in the meantime, I wonder who I am. But tonight my friend gave me this verse and it spoke to a deep part in my soul...the Lord is my home. He is my place of refuge. He is my portion and my peace. When life is unsettled--which it is...when life is disappointing and heaven is so far away...I have a home in Him. And when I really stop and reflect, I recall it being said of Jesus, "He had no place to lay His head."

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19

Faith grows in the dark

"Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict." --Oswald Chambers

When I can't see, I must walk in FAITH. In Hebrews it says, "Without faith it is impossbile to please God." This is too important. I am saying to God right now by His grace, "Not my will but your be done." This is not easy, but I want Him more than I want an easy life with simple satisfaction and meaningless bliss.

Untitled...the only appropriate definition of me

I can't see anything but darkenss around me. There is little I can say with confidence. His arm has come down upon me and His hand has ripped from me every single thing that would potentially bring security to me. He has wounded me. I am limping, teetering between hopelessness and hope. So I wait. And I try to listen. I attempt to fight lies that feel more powerful than me. I fear that my definition of myself will be determined by circumstances and people who cannot handle my heart of flesh. And in the midst of it all...fear, intense anxiety, twisted thinking, deep sin, feelings of being abandoned...I see a piece of paper in the bottom of a bag I have emptied out:

"I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you." John 14:18

How is it that God came make you so mad and in the next minute be your full satisfaction? To those of you who know me and are around me...I am sorry for not knowing who I am, for not turning to the Lord but instead turning to the craving of a pain-free life and demanding that you all be a part of making it right. Heaven is not here...I am realizing this more and more and I will look with more anticipation for its coming.

Dusty.

One of my favorite verses is from Psalm 103, it says..."he remembers that we are dust." I am glad to know that. Do you have days like that, where you feel like there is not much to you but the dust of the earth? And even in that--it's hard to believe He formed mankind from such material as dust. But it is true...And in reality, it is pretty humbling. (which is always a good thing!) I am about to embark on a new job...teaching Bible and counseling high school kids at a private high school. The truth is, I feel inadequate and overwhelmed with the prospect of a new position to create...to meet expectations I may not even be aware of--as I am a people pleaser and perfectionist. But this is my reminder...I came from dust...and HE FORMED ME. He brought water from a rock and bread from heaven, He created my inmost being and formed me in my mother's womb, He makes crooked paths straight, He can makes rock sing, donkey's talk...and most amazing of all: He is a King, but was born as a lowly baby in a barn! He is all about interrupting the ordinary with the extraordinary. He does not need me to be well versed, well trained, well groomed or highly talented...He used mud to make a blind man see. This is what I love about the Lord and this is what brings hope to my fearful state...He is a God of redemption and He is about bring beauty from ashes. So..in my weak state, in my fear and in my inadequacies and imperfections, He swoops down and pours forth His strength and character, His insights and wisdom into my heart and mind...

so dust I came from, but what I will be...that will be cause to rejoice and celebrate!

Is it a myth?

So...When I was in high school, or maybe middle school, someone told me the horrific "fact" that if you gave a seagull an alcaceltzer, he would blow up. They even said they had seen it! Now kids lie all the time...I believed for a time that a giraffe had two hearts too until someone told me I was fooled. So my question is, have I believed another lie all these years? I just went to the beach this past week in Ocean City NJ and every time I go I wonder about this...although I will say, as I sat in my beach chair, minding my own business, eating a wonderful turkey and cheese sandwich...a seagull swooped down from ...with a mission in mind...and grabbed the entire sandwich out of my hand. I felt violatd in a way and at that moment...I wished I had some alcaceltzer in that sandwich!

Moments worth freezing...

Have you ever had a moment that you wish you could freeze? Or have you anticipated a moment with such intensity that you feel like your heart is going to pop out of your chest? I just had that. I googled my friend's work address and mapquestd it to locate exactly where she was. I have not seen her in years and her work place was on the way as I traveled from Philly to Charlotte, NC. I told the recpeptionist what I was doing and she called her out from her office...it took her a moment and then she was shocked by my standing there in her office! We hug out for two hours and it was such a shot in the arm...friends like that are rare finds. But it seems to me when you truly let people in and show them all your colors--weaknesses as well as strengths--you can expect a lifelong, "pick-up-where-you-left-off situation." And that is how it was with her...my stuff surfaced during the course of knowing her and she embrace me in my mess...They are few and far between, they are keepers for sure. Good to see you Pam. Really good.

Recalling grace once again.

"So if i stand, let me stand on the promise, the you will pull me through...and if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you." --Rich Mullins.

I love this song, "If I Stand" by Rich Mullins, who lived his life by the daily outpouring of God's grace. He knew it could be no other way for him. Here is a musician, well known, who never knew how much money he was making. He would ask his financial manager to get his check, figure out the average income for a man during that time, and give him only that amount. The rest he would give to the poor. He actually at one point made his own vow of poverty and lived on the bare bones of what his needs presented. I want to live like this: desperate for grace and driven to live out of what I know to be true of the promises of God. Every day I live as though I am an orphan with no one looking out for me or caring for the details of my life. But He does. I am not alone, though I feel lonely at times; I am not empty though at times the pit in my stomach leaves a feeling just like that. He is more than enough, and He is faithful to carry me and sustain me. It's like Paul said, in weakness we are strong in the strength of God. And when life throws me for a loop (as it has) and I can't get my barings, I will look beside me and see that I can trust someone greater, who knows better for me than I know for myself.

She's gone after 13 years!

My cat, Peeks, in the previous post was hit by a car on Saturday and was killed. I have had her for 13 years...I found her as a tiny kitten my senior year of college and have not gone long without her around. She goes home with me whether by car or plane, she was a part of every corner of my life. It was not odd for her to even get in the shower with me! I don't know if you can relate, if you have ever had a pet that you have gotten attached to, but this is deeply painful to me. There is nothing that will fill this space...for those of you who knew her, who are many, I know you know why I am so sad....

These are a few of my favorite things...

Ok, this is my personal idea of heaven: (besides all my favorite people being in the room with me!) A really good book, my cat--who I have an unhealthy dependency on--and a nice glass of wine! Here's to a good weekend!!

Warm your heart with these little pip-squeeks!

Don't you want to shrink down these three little chunks of sweetness and put them in your pocket or on your key ring!? I have less then a month before I see their faces and hug them till they pop! The little one, Luke is actually going to be in Charlotte and drive with me to PA for a road trip. A 5 year old and a cat on a 10 hour drive, should be interesting and fun...maybe a good blog entry on the way!

Last time I was home I asked Luke to tell me his name, "Luke Timothy" he said. When I asked Him, "Do you like your name?" He responded by saying, "Yes, because it matches Tim" (my little brother who he was named after) I went on to tell him that one of Jesus' best friends was named Luke and that he was a doctor and wrote some of the Bible. He sat there dumbfounded and said after a pause, "You have got to be kiddin' me." Now that is cute. That is why I look forward to my road trip with little Luke.

No God? Are you serious?

This little guy is so cute, it actually hurts! Can a turtle really be that small?! When I see pictures like this, or hear stories like the one about the beagle that just rescued someone by calling 9-1-1 (http://www.cnn.com/--look at videos), I cannot understand how people think there is no God, or an uninvolved God, or a powerless God. Granted, there are many times I have thought He appeared uninvolved and even careless. As a counselor, on more than one occasion, I have said out loud, "We are down here cleaning up your mess!" But then I stop and consider His character, even when I don't understand...and I look at a picture like this and I have to say, "Ok He's smart, creative, and He likes cute little things like I do; He causes the sun to rise and fall, He knows all things and He knows far better than me." So here's the challenge, go out into His creation alone and sit still, and be quiet for more than a few moments. Let His creation speak of who He is. Allow the beauty of this world to remind you that life is more than deadlines and paychecks, that there is a big world and yet...He still knows your deepest needs, the number of hairs on your head, and what makes you laugh. Oh, and not only does He know, He cares about it all! Look at this picture...and remember He holds you in the palm of His hand!

Growing young

"Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." —preface to The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrob

This will be a good day for all of us....we toil over intellectual discussions and compete to discover the next deep thought. We want to be like God. I guess nothing has changed. It was that way in Eden. But the better goal is to be like children....sounds backwards, I guess it is.


(This is dedicated to my sweet friend Lis who lives this out...she is who I want to be like when I grow truly young...)

The only constant in life is CHANGE!

I hate change. I know it is good for all of us so that we don't make life about the wrong things. But man, it's hard. My roommates and I...for 9 years....are all going separate ways and it's happening all at once. One left to travel the world on missions from Peru to Africa...one is moving to FL, and getting married. Me, I am building a house and starting a new job. This feels like death and life in the same moment. But I need this to keep me on my knees and to keep me from being, what Brennan Manning calls, "security obsessed." I guess I can say with my hands covering my face, and my head to the ground..."Bring it on."