I hate how much I love apples...

I find myself, at certain times being really mad at Eve. But then I stop and think for a moment. And I realize that if I were her, I would have dug the entire tree up and replanted it next to my hut, so as to make the apples more convenient...I guess that gives you a picture of my week.

I'm an addict

Brennan Manning spoke about the addictions we have to our emotional wounds and the drive to have them finally satisfied. I would love to go to a surgeon and ask him to open me up and stuff me with something that would make it all go away! It sneaks up, jumps out and grabs hold of me. And in that moment, I am so weak. It is bigger than me, stronger than me and more determined to take over my soul than I even care to resist it.

I am no different than an alcoholic or drug addict, it simply takes another face. People. Saving lives. Injecting significance into someone with my words and responses. It's a challenge to even describe, but it is there and it is real. So I went to Romans 7 and 8 and heard the voice of Paul speaking the words of my own battle...

"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing...So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" This is how I felt last night...

"Who will rescue me!!!???"

And then..."Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" He has done it. He has made it possible for me to actually resist the compulsion to fill myself up with what will only drain me more. He has broken the chains of the bondage of my sin. And it is nothing less than an all out war. It is bigger than me and stronger than me. But I have One who fights for me (Exodus 14:14) and One who is bigger than what is bigger than me. And Paul gives me words of hope to carry in my pocket today..."Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

Galatians 5:1 "It is for FREEDOM that Christ has SET ME FREE!"

Malachi 3:10

How do you thank someone for gifts that are bigger than your arms can hold? He promised that the gates of heaven would be thrown open and there would be so much blessing that I would not have room enough for it! So here I sit, at the bottom of overflow, a recepiant of more grace, undeserved favor...humbled.

...for those of you who don't know...I got the job!...

Defined by Coffee...

I frequent a coffee shop that has become a third office, a home away from home, a counseling center, a local cheers, a place to visit with and experience the stories of the rarest and most normal people in the world. I love it, and have in a sense become an addict. Not so much of coffee as I am of people. It is a rush to watch from a distance and soon become acquainted with people who would never be in my regular circle of life. In a way, my coffee shop has redefined me and even my purpose. One "regular" reminded me, "You are always influencing people, remember that. Even when you don't know it." The owner not only knows my name, but so much more about me: my beliefs, my job frustrations, the things that make me happy, and has even seen me wail!...He has taught me to listen. Every time he grabs his coffee, sits down next to me and shares his own experiences, I am given another gift. It's my favorite spot and these are some of my favorite people. And the coffee...it's not bad, not bad at all.

Help Me! Save me from myself...

Ever feel like this little piece of toast...the burnt one I mean? When my friend Lisa (some know her as Faye) sent me this picture, I immediately saw myself as this little burnt toast. I said to the kids I teach, "Did you know that Jesus is just like toast?" Of course, they were not sure how to even answer...but that's the goal with Christian school kids who seem to know all the answers, but don't really get it. Stump em' now and again, that's the key, get them to think . I have recently read a portion from Brennan Manning's new book, from which I got my blog title, called The Importance of Being Foolish. In the third chapter he addresses the fetter of security that binds us and holds us captive. In reading this I came to realize, "this is my stronghold!" This is what keeps me living "half." Manning says this in his book, "Living dependent on 'security' defeats carefree trust in God's wisdom and love, hurts interpersonal relationships, thwarts ongoing community renewal and Christian reunion, and handicaps the serious Christian who seeks to have the mind of Christ." We depend more on the responses of God to our pleas than we do God Himself. And our lives become a roller-coaster of emotions and trust (or seeming trust). Honestly, it is overwhelming how my responses to people and circumstances all go back to trying to secure myself! I get mad when someone threatens it or when a situation doesn't work out in a way that keeps me feeling secure. So...I am a little burnt piece of toast. Weak, needy and scarred up. And only One can rescue me. Only One can pick me back up and save me from my self-inflicted wounds. Jesus, quietly and faithfully, drags me to a safe place along side of Him. So in a new way, I do see Him as the Living Bread that really does fill and satisfy. And I humbly submit, although still fighting now and again, knowing that He is the only One who can free me from myself.

Letting myself be me.

When I was in the 10th grade, I played basketball. I loved it. My position was point guard and though I am short, and was probably shorter than...I was fast. But I will humbly admit that for one entire season I benched. It made me mad because the coach obviously did not know that she was missing out on the talent I had hidden during practice. But I will say, I was the only one who wore Chuck Taylors. They were a fit for my personality at the time and seemed to identify me in those days when I desperately needed an identity. Since then, years later...I reconnected with Chuck. The nice thing is, I am still comfortable in them. It's that blend between the days of my youth and the youthfulness I still long for today. In a way, I believe I will never fully grow out of them, nor will I grow out of my youth. I think it will actually be more healthy. Life is hard and the weight seems at times unbearable. Kids view life with expectation, hope and dreams. Even being on the bench was merely an opportunity to become a cheerleader on the sidelines. I want to see life with the simplicity of a child, to love without judgment and to dream as though everything is a realistic possibility. So I will wear my Chuck Taylors again today. And maybe when I am 55, or even 70 I will still slip them on now and then.