Sorry I laughed.

God caught Sarah laughing. She didn’t believe Him when He said she would be having a baby. She was 90, or 100, or 400 years old…her body simply did not have the capacity anymore to bear children. I don’t think she laughed because she thought it was all that funny when God told her the news. She laughed a cynical laugh. It was a smirk with an edge to it. God told Abraham that his line would produce a nation…as many individuals as the stars numbered in the sky. But there was a problem. A very clear barrier to the goal: his wife was barren. Here were years stacked upon more years, and I wonder if they even forgot about it. The truth is, I forget God’s promises all the time—and even if Abraham heard it from the sky, or a voice booming from behind, some supernatural communication…he still didn’t really believe it. I read the pages of truth each day and am left still wondering if He has my back, if He will provide again, if He will listen this time too…every day I wake up with another load of doubt and a heart laced with fear.

Sarah laughed and so would I. I admit, I crawl into the corners of my world and snatch moments where I belt out my news to God. I tell Him the cool things that happen and I figuratively shake Him in my mind to try to get His attention over the things I am so hurt by, anxious about or stuck in. I need His help, I want His attention and I doubt Him just like Sarah.

But every once in awhile…without any way to predict or con or manipulate God…Something breaks open and pours out all over my day. Something like hope. Something that tastes just like faithfulness and loyalty and follow-through. Every day, every hour, every minute God is blanketing me with His provisions, care and mercy….but every once in awhile I actually see it, taste it, feel it next to me and breath it in like the purest and most life-giving breath. Keeping His word. It matters so much in the end and somehow I still manage to think He won’t. Just like Sarah, just like Abraham, just like Job, just like David, just like Moses, just like Noah, just like Peter, just like Judas…just like me....

Anne.

Anne Lamott...one of my all-time favorite authors, describes her style of writing and reflects a little bit of herself. If you have not read Traveling Mercies, read it...it is raw and exactly what we are all dying for in a way. And one thing I love the most is that she describes Jesus as a stray cat, who, if she lets him in, will never go away. True, isn't it?

"I'm not laying a heavy 'Come to Jesus' trip on my readers," she says, "but I'm hoping to sow a seed." She would like readers to conclude: "Lamott seems pretty awful, she's made some pretty big mistakes -- yet she believes God loves her in exactly the shape she's in."

And it's the same way for you...and me. I am lovable in this shape. Hard to imagine. But very, very true.

Teenagers.

Do you like teenagers? If you're like me, you can't live without em' and then after a bit of time with them, you feel like you want to move so far away and never share space with them again. It's like that all the time...in the truest sense of the word: a love/hate relationship. I work with teenagers in a private school in North Carolina. I wake up early and spend the day with kids who range from 14 to 18. I teach them, counsel them, and laugh with them.

To be quite honest with you--I absolutely love them.

They think they can change the world, they are inspired by authenticity, and they laugh at themselves, careful not to take life too seriously. We could take some lessons from them as far as I am concerned.

But don't get me wrong...I worry about them. They can't be still. They hate silence. They are owned by what other people think, they want more and settle for less all the time. So this is why I am called here--I am inspiring as much as I am inspired. And they love you back in a way that is not simple to describe....

So here's one story. My kids asked me if they could go around the room and each say something about every member in their class. They wanted to compliment each other, every student in the class. So we did it. And it took many days to get through it but it was worth it. They were able to cross lines of groups and social boundaries. It was right out of a movie, and I was left undone by the way they spoke to one another with such kindness.

We finished. And the next day they spoke up, "We want to all say something about you Miss Poulterer." I have to admit, though it was sweet, it was so uncomfortable. To sit in the front of the room and have each student speak to me things they saw in me, or loved about me, etc...I knew what would happen. I knew I would weep.

It started. And one student after another ...spoke words that changed me. I drifted back in my mind to times I have begged the Lord to show me that He is changing me, making me more like Him and most of all--redeeming me. By the end I was hardly able to speak. Their words drifted around the room and left me humbled, stilled, and speechless. I told them I didn't deserve those words. I told them that I didn't know what to do with them, or how to process them.

And then I knew who it was from. I began to see that the Lord Himself used these honest, loving kids to speak to me what He says about me and to share with me what HE sees in me...and there is nothing like that.

I will forever hold that moment in the forefront of my heart. I will never have an experience like that again, I am sure. It was supernatural and life-giving.

So when they get on my nerves, when they are too needy or too loud...when they do the wrong thing and are rude or ungrateful...I will think back to this time and be reminded that there is far more under the surface than what we can see when we see them in the halls. They are alive and they are worth investing in....

Is Alaska my only hope?

I feel such a lack of inspiration right now. It is the strangest thing for me to actually be on this site when I have not been previously compelled to go. I have no profound thought and nothing that has inspired me to write. I guess on one hand I am happy that I am not just responding to an intense drive...it makes it feel possible to write when I have nothing moving me. And I never think it possible to write when it's not groaning within me, ready to pour out on the page. Progress, I guess in some sort of way.

So I will try to sum up one consistent thought from recent days...I have felt distant from the Creator. I think it is because I have stopped looking for Him like I did in Alaska. He bled from every site...His creation poured forth on me and I was changed. I am afraid to lose that. I want to go back.

The question is so frustrating: How do I find Him here? In Charlotte? In the mundane? In the routine? He is here as much as He is in Alaska. But it is hard to believe that.

I can still feel the crisp air on the deck of the ship, and the low clouds falling all over the mountains; I can still see the ice floating around and the Eagles spreading their wings as they would glide by us. The whales are beyond my words and the atmosphere stays like a fantasy in my mind. I guess I can ask Him to come to me again in this way....here, in another place, but just as much His.

Hope

Hope is a hard thing...it feels at times like trying to balance a spinning plate on your finger. It doesn't feel secure, steady or long-lasting. Often for me I will pick up Hope and quickly set it back down again because it seems to me, on some level, rather dangerous. Scripture says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." It does. There is a confusion for me between anxiety and the temptation to hold on to hope.

I know it is godly. I know that God's track record says we can hope in Him. I know that His promises are true, that He knows best. I know He wants me to have a heart that is alive. I know that He wants me to BELIEVE Him. I know a lot of things. But this is a bit harder than I realized. In quiet moments I strain to hear a voice say to me...

"Hope for it."

Life from hopeless dry bones....

I haven't written on this blog is so long....but summer always seems to open up time and space...and life's circumstances in some way demand for an outlet of reflection and pending hope. So I am here again. Starting and restarting and longing all the while for more than this life has ever attempted to offer.

Here are some words that I have had running through my head...a song by Jill Phillips, really simple and yet like a balm to my heart that is in desperate need of healing, repair and hope.

"When you're so ashamed that you could die, God believes in you.
When you can't do right even though you try, God believes in you.
Yeah, blessed are the ones who grieve,
The ones who mourn,
and the one who bleed, in sorrow you hope,
but in joy you will reap...
God believes in you."

Does this feel fundamentally difficult for anyone else to believe besides me? I was wondering, on a really basic level, how God has been motivated to stick by me. But His Word teaches all over the place that He is motivated and that He even "delights to show mercy." These days have shown me to be a murderer, an adulterer, a liar, a thief, a prostitute, an addict...the "chief of sinners," as Paul put it. And I always wondered how it was truly possible to believe that about yourself. I know it intellectually and according to theological principle. I know it is true because I believe scripture is true. But I have never really looked at myself and considered that I would fit that category. But today, now, in June of 2008, I have hit a place where I see myself as the worst of sinners--and I do not exaggerate and I do not say it with pride to claim what Paul himself said...God has opened a door for me to see the black cavern of my soul and the potential for the worst of choices and the deep selfishness that runs through my veins...and I know I am in fact, the worst, the chief of all the sinners I know.

So...is it possible for Jesus to love me really? Is it true that He can cover what is at the root of my heart and what comes out with each breath? Can He really believe in someone like me?

I read in Ezekiel that God brought to life "Dry, Dead Bones." Lifeless. Hopeless. Disconnected. I have read this passage a number of times over the last few weeks. And interestingly, as I opened My Utmost for his Highest the verse was this very verse...the Lord is trying to tell me something about how He handles death. Here are a few lines from the reading:

"Can that sinner be turned into a saint? Can that twisted life be put right? ...'Behold O' people, I will open your graves.' When God wants to show you what human nature is apart from yourself, He has to show it in you first. If the Spirit of God has given you a vision of what you are apart from the grace of God (and He only does it when the Spirit is at work), you know there is no criminal who is half so bad in actuality as you know yourself to be in possibility"

Ezekiel says the people of Israel are saying that "all hope is gone." And God responds, as He always does, "I will open you graves of exile and cause you to rise again...when this happens you will know that I am the Lord your God." And even as the song by Jill Phillips echoes the words from Matthew 5..."Blessed are those who mourn, blessed are those who grieve..." what does it mean to be blessed and to believe with confidence that there is more to come, even when it does not feel like it? This is faith...believing what you cannot see.

Sinners becoming saints...dry bones being brought to life...desert places flowing with new streams of water...rough places smooth....

I guess I fit into the first half of the equation...so I'll hold on to hope that one day I will see the conclusion.

Tim is here!

After my little brother's experience in the Philadelphia airport...and his arrival in the South, we discussed the differences in the people. Granted, the South has it's annoying traits...like being fake, or being self-righteous, or going to church because it is cultural instead of because it is so good to hear the Word preached so that it can take root and change lives....but Tim has found people to be simply kind on a basic level. So I quote one of his comments:

"If people from the North could go an entire day without speaking to anyone, they totally would."

The truth is, when I go to PA for Christmas...there is a part of me that likes the rough, raw atmosphere. It is good to be around at times...and even if our Eagles fans throw batteries, well it's nice to see such passion!

Brother Lawrence has such wisdom....

I have always loved The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. If you have not read it, read it!! It will remind you of all that really matters. He speaks to this idea of being in God's presence all day long, no matter what your task, your circumstance, or mood. To find solace in His presence, to talk with Him throughout each day...to think of Him and recall His faithful acts on our behalf. I want to share one quote here on this blog for anyone who reads...and quite frankly for my own soul to hear once again:

I think that freeing yourself of your present responsibilities for a while and devoting yourself entirely to prayer would be the best thing you could do for yourself. God does not ask much of us. But remembering Him, praising Him, asking for His grace, offering Him your troubles, or thanking Him for what He has given you will console you all the time.

Now as far as setting aside all responsibilities, I am not sure what that looks like or how to do that and still be responsible and care for our jobs and our families...but I get the point: be in communion with Him all the time. So here is a final thought: We must be near to Him, around Him, knowing Him in order to truly connect with Him. Lawrence goes on to say:

We have to know someone before we can truly love them. In order to know God, we must
think about Him often. And once we get to know Him, we will think about Him even more
often, because where our treasure is, there also is our heart!

So today my challenge to myself and to you is...be in His amazing presence, know His healing and His favor, His kindness and His peace, know His grace and constant mercy...recall His faithful deeds and soak in His gaze. Remember His character, and count on His track record...this is the realm of reality, this is where we are meant to live, this is our true home....for here on earth we are just strangers.

How about this line....

"My soul is weary and my cup is dry. I am so in need of you...So Lord come down to me, till my heart can sing...." ---Caedmon's Call "Rest Upon Us"

The Lord has brought me, in this weary place, to a point where I can sing. He has put words in my throat and I, with cracked voice, can muster out a few small praises. He is worth my full attention and constant affection. I cannot imagine life without Jesus.

Forgiveness

I asked the Lord the other day, "Why do you keep taking me back? Why would you want me again?" His answer is hard to believe, "Because I want to. I always want you back." He has taken me back for 35 years! I have a friend who has the impossible task of forgiveness ahead of her. I fall down on my knees and wonder if she could ever forgive me for all I have broken. I would say the same thing to her..."Why would you ever take me back? Why would you even want to?"

It feels as though I have left a wake behind me and the pit I have fallen into has gripped me and I have given into its hold. I have allowed such sin to enter me like a small parasite, and I have fed it. It is subtle and dangerous, it is powerful and yet quiet.

I read a portion of Henri Nouwen's book, Turn My Mounring into Dancing, and was impacted on such a deep level. He says that we look to others to have immortal powers. We turn to others to bear the weight of all of our expectations. I do that as often as I breathe. There are moments when I am weak enough, broken enough or humble enough to put it in its right place---on the God of the entire universe! Nouwen says we make life be all about life here and that in that, we look to others to give us security, peace, or even self-definition. I became overwhelmed by the content, being so clearly connected with who I am...and then the thought crossed my mind: "If he wrote this book, that means he deals with it...and that means others also deal with this." I am not alone in putting someone, something on the throne every moment of every day.

Do I really think it will work this time? Do I really believe that it is ok, not that big of a deal? The thing that amazes me, is that as a Christian culture we get so worked up about homosexuality. We have no tolerance for people who struggle with this sin...and yet when we read in Corinthinas about how wrong it is...we neglect to look at the list ...and idolatry is one of the first mentioned. It apprears to me to be one that He speaks of more than any other sin...I guess I can say with Paul, "I am the chief of sinners!"

Comfort for the weary.

A friend of mine, who has been reminding me of who I live for and what my ultimate purpose is, wrote me an email today with this quote...

Question 1. What is thy only comfort in life and death?

Answer: That I with body and soul, both in life and death, (a) am not my own, (b) but belong unto my faithful Saviour Jesus Christ; (c) who, with his precious blood, has fully satisfied for all my sins, (d) and delivered me from all the power of the devil; (e) and so preserves me (f) that without the will of my heavenly Father, not a hair can fall from my head; (g) yea, that all things must be subservient to my salvation, (h) and therefore, by his Holy Spirit, He also assures me of eternal life, (i) and makes me sincerely willing and ready, henceforth, to live unto him.
----(Heidelberg Catechism)

This is my prayer...this is why I was given breath today.

The stirring works...

"And I didn't understand why as usual God couldn't give me a loud or obvious answer, through a megaphone, or thunder, skywriting or stigmata. Why does God always use dreams, intuition, memory, phone calls, vague stirrings in my heart? I would say that this really doesn't work for me at all. Except that it does."
----Anne Lamott

God has spoken more to me in the past few weeks than He has in over a decade of my life. I wake up and listen, and still myself at moments throughout the day to listen again. And He speaks. Just like He spoke the entire world into existence, He still speaks. Sometimes I want it loud and obvious. In a way I think it will "work" better on me. But the truth is...when I take a walk and turn off all noise from the day, I hear the still, small voice and it sends me to my knees. In essence, it really works. He won't compete with the noise of life, the flash of culture and the bang of wealth...He simply stirs. And it works.

If you look carefully, you can see a bud...

"Flowers grow out of dark moments." ---Anita Corita Kent

This is showing itself to be true in my life. I'm sure in one fashion or another you can relate. I have been living in what feels like a cave of seclusion and darkness. I have wondered who I am, and who God is. I have asked questions that have softened my heart and solidified my faith. My knees hurt, my mind is vulnerable, my spirit is held up by the hand of God...but today one of my students said to me, "Miss Poulterer, did you have a lot of coffee this morning? You seem really hyper or happy, or something...." And my response to him was, "I feel the presence of the Lord today, and for what seems like a moment, He has lifted this cloud." Now the truth is, it comes back here and there. And my heart still feels fragile. But a moment can go a long way for a weary pilgrim. My position at the school was affirmed today, I see purpose beyond what I could create. I look into the eyes of these kids and see a desire for God and stand amazed that He would even give me a platform to share with them the faithfulness of God...the love He has for sinners like me, and the grace that falls in surplus upon them each new day. This was what I was made for, these other things that too often dominate...Self-satisfaction, security, mere personal pleasure and approval...they are what I have settled for.

Today, I saw a flower peek out.

(Thank you Lord...You are all I have, and all I really want.)

Home is where?

"God makes a home for the lonely." Psalm 68:6 (NAS)

Home for me is in a 1,000 different places. I live with a family, I stay with random friends, and in the meantime, I wonder who I am. But tonight my friend gave me this verse and it spoke to a deep part in my soul...the Lord is my home. He is my place of refuge. He is my portion and my peace. When life is unsettled--which it is...when life is disappointing and heaven is so far away...I have a home in Him. And when I really stop and reflect, I recall it being said of Jesus, "He had no place to lay His head."

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19

Faith grows in the dark

"Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict." --Oswald Chambers

When I can't see, I must walk in FAITH. In Hebrews it says, "Without faith it is impossbile to please God." This is too important. I am saying to God right now by His grace, "Not my will but your be done." This is not easy, but I want Him more than I want an easy life with simple satisfaction and meaningless bliss.

Untitled...the only appropriate definition of me

I can't see anything but darkenss around me. There is little I can say with confidence. His arm has come down upon me and His hand has ripped from me every single thing that would potentially bring security to me. He has wounded me. I am limping, teetering between hopelessness and hope. So I wait. And I try to listen. I attempt to fight lies that feel more powerful than me. I fear that my definition of myself will be determined by circumstances and people who cannot handle my heart of flesh. And in the midst of it all...fear, intense anxiety, twisted thinking, deep sin, feelings of being abandoned...I see a piece of paper in the bottom of a bag I have emptied out:

"I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you." John 14:18

How is it that God came make you so mad and in the next minute be your full satisfaction? To those of you who know me and are around me...I am sorry for not knowing who I am, for not turning to the Lord but instead turning to the craving of a pain-free life and demanding that you all be a part of making it right. Heaven is not here...I am realizing this more and more and I will look with more anticipation for its coming.

Dusty.

One of my favorite verses is from Psalm 103, it says..."he remembers that we are dust." I am glad to know that. Do you have days like that, where you feel like there is not much to you but the dust of the earth? And even in that--it's hard to believe He formed mankind from such material as dust. But it is true...And in reality, it is pretty humbling. (which is always a good thing!) I am about to embark on a new job...teaching Bible and counseling high school kids at a private high school. The truth is, I feel inadequate and overwhelmed with the prospect of a new position to create...to meet expectations I may not even be aware of--as I am a people pleaser and perfectionist. But this is my reminder...I came from dust...and HE FORMED ME. He brought water from a rock and bread from heaven, He created my inmost being and formed me in my mother's womb, He makes crooked paths straight, He can makes rock sing, donkey's talk...and most amazing of all: He is a King, but was born as a lowly baby in a barn! He is all about interrupting the ordinary with the extraordinary. He does not need me to be well versed, well trained, well groomed or highly talented...He used mud to make a blind man see. This is what I love about the Lord and this is what brings hope to my fearful state...He is a God of redemption and He is about bring beauty from ashes. So..in my weak state, in my fear and in my inadequacies and imperfections, He swoops down and pours forth His strength and character, His insights and wisdom into my heart and mind...

so dust I came from, but what I will be...that will be cause to rejoice and celebrate!

Is it a myth?

So...When I was in high school, or maybe middle school, someone told me the horrific "fact" that if you gave a seagull an alcaceltzer, he would blow up. They even said they had seen it! Now kids lie all the time...I believed for a time that a giraffe had two hearts too until someone told me I was fooled. So my question is, have I believed another lie all these years? I just went to the beach this past week in Ocean City NJ and every time I go I wonder about this...although I will say, as I sat in my beach chair, minding my own business, eating a wonderful turkey and cheese sandwich...a seagull swooped down from ...with a mission in mind...and grabbed the entire sandwich out of my hand. I felt violatd in a way and at that moment...I wished I had some alcaceltzer in that sandwich!

Moments worth freezing...

Have you ever had a moment that you wish you could freeze? Or have you anticipated a moment with such intensity that you feel like your heart is going to pop out of your chest? I just had that. I googled my friend's work address and mapquestd it to locate exactly where she was. I have not seen her in years and her work place was on the way as I traveled from Philly to Charlotte, NC. I told the recpeptionist what I was doing and she called her out from her office...it took her a moment and then she was shocked by my standing there in her office! We hug out for two hours and it was such a shot in the arm...friends like that are rare finds. But it seems to me when you truly let people in and show them all your colors--weaknesses as well as strengths--you can expect a lifelong, "pick-up-where-you-left-off situation." And that is how it was with her...my stuff surfaced during the course of knowing her and she embrace me in my mess...They are few and far between, they are keepers for sure. Good to see you Pam. Really good.

Recalling grace once again.

"So if i stand, let me stand on the promise, the you will pull me through...and if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you." --Rich Mullins.

I love this song, "If I Stand" by Rich Mullins, who lived his life by the daily outpouring of God's grace. He knew it could be no other way for him. Here is a musician, well known, who never knew how much money he was making. He would ask his financial manager to get his check, figure out the average income for a man during that time, and give him only that amount. The rest he would give to the poor. He actually at one point made his own vow of poverty and lived on the bare bones of what his needs presented. I want to live like this: desperate for grace and driven to live out of what I know to be true of the promises of God. Every day I live as though I am an orphan with no one looking out for me or caring for the details of my life. But He does. I am not alone, though I feel lonely at times; I am not empty though at times the pit in my stomach leaves a feeling just like that. He is more than enough, and He is faithful to carry me and sustain me. It's like Paul said, in weakness we are strong in the strength of God. And when life throws me for a loop (as it has) and I can't get my barings, I will look beside me and see that I can trust someone greater, who knows better for me than I know for myself.